June 14, 2011

You Just Got SkyMauled

I'm thinking of becoming a copywriter for SkyMall.

Their new motto could be something along the lines of:

"SkyMall, all the sh*t you never knew you needed"

Or even better:

"Can't find enough useless crap at sea level? Then find it at 30,000 feet in the air. SkyMall."

But as hard as I try, I can't resist these little overly handled, pages stuck together with random food scraps magazines. I am compelled to flip through one every time we fly. The people fortunate enough to sit next to me on the plane while I pick out the newest addition to my jewelry collection, pet accessory, or even work out equipment think I am crazy.

And let's be honest, I have never bought anything from SkyMall, nor do I know anyone who has ever bought anything.

But let's take a look at some of the finer selections that just might catch your eye. 

The good, the bad, and the 'holy crap, who would pay for that'.

And no, this is not a sponsored post....I think you will probably find that out real quick :) Although all products can be found at www.skymall.com (as well as all the picture credits, schpanks!)
The good 
(errr, decent)

The Headache Relieving Wrap - $49.95

My attraction to this item may or may not have had anything to do with a weekend full of drinks. How awesome would this sucker be after that one too many the night before?!

Actually, I am going to rename it. It is now officially the "Hungover Headband".

Maybe it could even be made in a variety of colors, you know, with feathers and sparkles. Something to jazz it up.

And you could totally get away with wearing this to work. It's not that noticeable.

Not going to lie. I mocked this one at first. Until I realized it's potential... 
Wine Glass Holder Necklace (Set of 2) - $24.95

I couldn't make up a better tag line for this if I tried. 

"Keep your hands free at parties by keeping your wine close at heart!" 

Ummm, yes please! I didn't realize just how hard it is to hold a glass of wine until I found this product. Now I will refuse to have my Chardonney without one of these fancy schmancy lanyard things.

Now, if only they could invent a martini glass that doesn't spill....

I'm embarrassed for this one, but so intrigued! Oh yes, it is the infamous...
SkyRest Travel Pillow - $29.95 (yikes, for a blow up pillow?!)

Besides the cheesy run down that SkyMall gives this product, here is what the 'experts' are saying:

"The miraculous, wedge-shaped travel pillow makes even the most uncomfortable spots downright pleasant." 

Well, I am pretty sure it isn't curing cancer, so maybe a wee bit short of miraculous.

But you have to agree, that guy is getting some heavy shut eye. Lucky. SkyMall even promises that it is easy to deflate, but fails to mention how long it takes and loud is it to inflate?? Like seriously, what would you do if the yahoo next to you sat down and started puffing on this baby??

Honestly, has anyone tried one of these or knew anyone who has??? I am curious. Might have to be something that I pick up for the flight to Finland....with a review of course :)
OK, the BAD.
Like real bad.

I don't even know where to start with this one.
The Sling Couture Fashion Face Mask - $9.95

"Great for protection against Swine Flu, the Sling Couture Face Masks offers the same protection as traditional masks do, but without the hospital look."

Yeah, that is exactly what I want, to draw more attention to looking like a dweeb. Yes, I get it, these things are supposed to protect you from all kinds of germs. But really, if you are shopping for virus protection in SkyMall magazine, it is already too late. The germ infested pages have already gotten you.

Banana Hammock much?!

Not only do they protect against the swine flu virus (little late on that one, folks) but they have sequins, glittery embroidery and even animal prints. Oh, and they come in men's and women's colors. What every guy wants, right?!

This next one is more for the ridiculous picture than anything. Poor guy, if I were his friend, I would make fun of him til the end of time for this photo shoot.
It's the Head Spa Massager, enter a state of euphoria - $49.95

"It's like thousands of tiny fingers simultaneously massaging your scalp."

Wow, that isn't creepy at all. I don't think I would ever try to sell something by making it sound like you were getting attacked by a butt load of midgets.

He looks like he is out of the movie Tron or something. Now, imagine bringing the SkyRest blow up pillow and this baby on a plane. The US Marshal might just have to escort you off.

Bigfoot, the Bashful Yeti Tree Sculpture - $69.95

Awwww, who doesn't like to think of mythical creatures all sweet, cuddly and shy like this?!

If this isn't the worst thing I could find, you better believe the last one is going to blow your mind.
SkyMall says "Painstakingly hand-painted to make passers-by look twice, our believe-it-or-not sculpt is available only at Design Toscano!"

So basically, what you are telling me, is that this junk sculpture, that would probably have the neighborhood association on your butt to take down, was a not a labor of love, but rather something that caused trouble and meticulous effort?! Yeah, way to take advantage of those sweatshop workers.

And, for the absolute worst of the worst. The 'holy crap, who would pay for that'.


You are just going to have to wait for the next post. This one deserves one all it's own. 


What is your favorite SkyMall product?? Has anyone ever bought anything from the magazine?

You fools.
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  1. I got 2 Wii-motes from skymall with my bonus miles last year ;)

  2. Bahahaha. Lovely. Especially that creepy, sci-fi head massage piece. I believe I would only ever buy perfume or something like that from Skymall.

  3. Some of the shit in their "magazine" just cracks me up.

  4. HAHA! Nope... never bought anything from there. But there's always some amazing looking contraption that me and the hubs to be have our eye on... Usually crap. But I digress...

  5. yea im so tweeting this post. this may be one of the funniest things i have ever read. and i really can't get over this wine necklance AND the head massager.

  6. Oh. My. God.

    I may or may NOT have to purchase that wine glass holder - I've drunkenly let two glasses slip out of my hand in the past. Man oh Man, that Bigfoot sculpture is fantastic I might need to pick that up for my Daddyo for father's day.

  7. Argghhh!! We would so be best mates in real world...and enjoy our flights together. I too LOVE Skymall!! Me and my friend spent ages looking through it going to NYC. We even went through twice just in case we'd missed anything!!We too were drawn to the sky pillow and noted that yes indeed that man looked happy, asleep and pretty smug about his purchase all in one. However it fails to mention what happens when the person in front puts their seat back...death by suffocation? Airline safety manuals would also need to be updated as really they are a flight hazard in case of emergency.

    My favourite which I haven't spotted (kicking myself for not getting a photo) was the thing which men wear on their head to encourage hair growth. They even show how comfortable they would be lounging about watching tv with the pulsating electrode thing on their head. Cool as!

  8. Skymall has entertained me for hours on flights over the years but the ones you've picked out are especially wonderful, haha

    I always look at that inflatible pillow longingly when I am tired and can't sleep comfortably on a long flight--he looks so damn peaceful :)

  9. I am thinking the guy with the "pillow" isn't sleeping, he more likely had a massive coronary blowing the thing up and is now just waiting for transport to the morgue when they land. ;) Thanks for a great post!!

  10. I'm still laughing...getting attacked by a butt load of midgets...Thanks!!
    I had to tell you I saw a truck in Goliad Texas Sunday morning with the nuts hanging but darned if I could get a photo and my husband wouldn't follow him either, lol...darn it!! ~ Wendy at Life in South Texas

  11. too funny!! I always get a kick out of the Sky Mall products... and a few times I was almost tempted to buy :-)

  12. Oh I agree! I'd love to work for 'em! I always load up on magazines, but wind up reading the SM cover to cover instead.

  13. The face mask looks like a bra cup, just one please.

    I realized last night that I haven't flown in 4 years (whoa), so thanks for the update!

  14. I always look through SkyMall, too. The Wine Glass necklace...if it had a straw made out of rhinestones, then it would be even better!

  15. Nope, never bought anything from there, and after seeing this sample of their products, I'm pretty sure I never will. Unless I get that wine holder, that does have some merit. :)

    This post cracked me up! Can't wait for part 2...

  16. haha..I love it!!! That flight pillow is priceless..lol

  17. Oh my god!!! This is by far the biggest pile of kak I've ever saw in my lif....people buy this stuff?

  18. Lindsey, oh my gosh...I am laughing so hard over here. Cracking up! My kids think I have lost my mind. Hysterically funny :D

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for this!


  19. Loved the wine-glass necklace - could have done with that when I went out and smoked. Sometimes you need more hands! I imagine most of the wine gets spilt the chest though ;D

    Shah @

  20. I have one of the regular blow-up neck pillows and it works pretty well, but whenever I can't sleep on a long flight and my back starts hurting because I've been sitting for way too long, I flip through the SkyMall catalog and invariably I start looking way too long at these huuuuge travel pillows and right around that time they start looking really comfy :)

  21. You crack me up! I love those catalogs- always a good laugh for my plane ride!

  22. I seriously can't believe people get paid to create these amazing items? I really need to know how I can get a job selling useless random crap...I'm kinda diggin the wine holder neck tie though, that way I can hold my baby while drinking = GENIUS!

  23. @BigMike - hey, well that ain't too bad then! You can get useful stuff from there I guess :)
    @Rebecca - so weird! Yeah, perfume might be your best bet!
    @Oilfield - always a great read, always!
    @Kassi - haha, like I said, stuff you never knew you couldn't live without! lol Too funny. You should have registered for your wedding through skymall! hahah
    @Megan - really!? I don't know if I have ever been tweeted before, lol. THanks lady! Don't lie, you want both, don't you?!
    @Kymber - haha, too funny. LIke your honesty. PERFECT Father's Day gift. Dad, I have done your shopping for you :)
    @Missy - yes!! How did I know you would love SkyMall too?! Haha, twice, awesome. That is a good point about that pillow, pretty scary to think about, actually. The more I think about it, he looks like he is dead in the pic, haha. And yes, they have so many of those hair regrowers. Like hello, they don't work!
    @KT - well thanks, lol. If someone was sleeping with that thing next to me as peaceful as he is, I might have to keep bumping him to wake him, just to make myself feel better about not sleeping good, lol
    @Coupon - SeriouslY!!! For sure that is what it is, haha. Thanks!
    @Wendy - haha, glad you like. That is what I felt like their caption was telling me. YES! Oh Goliad, we drive through there to get to my grandma's house, too funny. I will be on the look out next time.
    @Alida - it is VERY tempting, very much so. Might see if they are having any sales, lol
    @Copyboy - I think it would be like working for J. Peterman and writing all the copy for that too, lol. I love all this underground obsession with SkyMall!
    Ellen - hahah, so true! They really do. That is too funny.'
    @Lesley - Ohhh, ok, million dollar idea. NOW you are talking....classy! haha
    @Katie - thanks Katie, and lucky you, not sucked into SkyMall with all their fancy schmancy selling points :)
    @Mrs K - isn't it?!? Soooo very tempted to try it out one flight.
    @Ryan - like I said, I don't know anyone, but they have to be making money, and lots of it. It is crap, but real fun to look at.
    @Dwija - Haha, well glad you think it is funny. And you are more than welcome. So sweet. Hope you are having a great day!
    @Shah - haha, seriously, I can just imagine it spilling everywhere. This item is popular, maybe I will have to give it a try!!
    @Sabrina - that is about the only time they look comfy, right?! I know what you mean!
    @Shalyn - well glad to do so :) Hope you are having a great week lady!
    @An Irish - hahahaha, your comment has me laughing so hard. I think if they marketed it as a way to hold your baby and your wine, it would sell units through the roof! haha.

  24. Wine glass necklace, yes please!! That yeti/bigfoot/monster thing is fabulous. I'll take 12.

  25. Am blog hopping and found yours. Laughed through it! Am now following. Would love for you to check out my blog and follow back!

  26. You seem like someone who would greatly appreciate Regretsy (if it still exists). A whole bunch of awful stuff people try to sell on Etsy. Pretty humorous.

  27. @Jordan - you WOULD! Haha, I will put in the order for you. That should only cost you a pretty grand :)
    @Bonni - well thanks for stopping by and telling me where you came from. I always like that! Appreciate it!
    @Iris - ummmm, I CANNOT wait to check that out. Hilarious idea. Thanks iris!!

  28. I've never bought anything off SkyMall but I ALWAYS flip through the catalog :) Such a treasure trove. I kind of really want to buy something completely random now, though.

  29. I think that what they attempt to do is to sell extra weird stuff so that they get famous for their products and that you buy them as a prank joke for someone.
    If they sold normal stuff, they would simply be another online store, but by selling extra weird stuff, they are not just one more online store.

    You can visit my blog here.

  30. They had the "Wine Glass Holder Necklace" in Denmark. Except some super fan stitched them in the team colors with yarn and they were for your beer cups. Because let's be honest - You can't cheer your heart out, jump up and down, clap, and punch the opposing team's fans if you're holding a beer.

  31. @Patti - good point. That is true. But it doesn't mean that stuff isn't ridiculous! haha
    @Erin - WHAT?!?! You better have one. If you failed to purchase one, I think we might not be able to be bloggyland friends anymore :)

  32. Oh, that wine holder thing is great. When we got married and I was cinched into my corset, I had a shelf to put my soda on. Very sexy to be able to not have to hold the soda can. Not that I did it. It was nice to know it was an option.

  33. Last time I looked thru the skymall... I about died at the machines to make your hair grow. Hilarious.

  34. I love this post....nothing like the morning giggles. Happy Friday.

  35. haha i love this, i always look through the mag when i fly... and i also think, what dumb ass would by this! lol hahah

  36. Oh man, I love these products! To laugh at I mean, I wouldn't dream of buying any of them. Although the wine glass necklace does look kind of useful... ;-)


  37. "Banana hammock" should most certainly be used more frequently.

  38. I have the super-sized cupcake pan. You know, that one that makes a single HUMONGOUS cupcake? It doesn't work. That, or I can't read instructions.


Whoomp, there it is!