You Can Kiss My....

Well hey there! Happy Hump Day :) 

I am a little extra excited today since we finally have our flights booked for home. We will be stateside on Saturday, which means we have been busting our butt getting all packed up these last few days. It is an annoying chore, but if it means going home, then I don't mind it one little bit!

So, while I was gathering a few things for the trip home, I can across this last little German gem. I always like to have wet wipes when traveling. Airplane air and surfaces tend to gross me out. 

Weird, right!? Yuck.

I keep these bad boys on hand to wipe my face and hands. I like to call it giving yourself a hooker bath. What?! Hookers can take baths too, after all. Haha.

But, they seem to have a different idea of what wet wipes are used for here in Germany. At least this one company does. Check out these pictures and see if you get the same meaning that I did. 

The package reads "Have You Been Kissed Today?"

Like seriously, is that necessary?!

Yeah, apparently, these little things are used for wiping ass right before you pucker up to kiss it. 

I'm sorry. I love my husband, but there is no amount of baby wipes (or bleach or alcohol for that matter) that would make me want to kiss his crack. Sorry babe, not happening. 

Thought that was too funny not to share. 

BTW, I completely have forgotten to say something earlier, but the Storytellers Blog Hop is THIS WEEKEND!!! 

It feels like forever since the last one, but this is the last weekend of the month. 

To recap, if you are new to the hop, here is the run down:

Link to any post you would like. You don't have to come up with a 'story', you don't have to do anything special, you just link up your blog and be you.  

Your blog is your story, so let it shine!

Only. One. Rule. Please, no sites that specialize in ads, coupons, giveaways, etc. There are many blog hops just for you, but today, this hop isn't one of them. Sorry guys.

Other than that, there are no rules, no 'follow' musts, only an easy outlet to stumble upon new and interesting blogs.

Hope to see you there this weekend! The hop will be open all day Friday and Saturday (April 29th and 30th. 

Have a great day!! 

And remember, wipe that crack before you give it a big ol' smack. So gross, haha.

Safety First, Naked Trampolining Second

Hey Monday!

Hey Bloggyland :)

(and for those Arrested Development lovers, Hey Brother!)

I am working on a fun post for tomorrow, linking up with The Skinny Scoop for a change of pace. Should be interesting!

But until then, thought I would share some funny German pictures with you. Never a lack of those. Ever.

The family who owns the apartment we live decided it was spring enough to reassemble the trampoline and stick it back in the front yard. Guess it just felt like jumping weather. 

And I thought it would be rude to not try out their craftsmanship. So I decided to go for a quick jump. 

What!? There was no age limit.

But there was this warning....

Zoom in on this madness

I bet you were not aware that jumping on the trampoline in Germany:

A. might leave you decapitated

and/or

B. is not allowed to be done naked, at least with a partner.

I mean, that is what I got from this warning.

And I am all for trampoline safety. When I was about 8 or 9 my cousin was pressuring me teaching me to flip on the trampoline. I landed on my head and although nothing turned out to be wrong, I got a fun ambulance ride out of it all. Ahhh, fun family memories.

But maybe a good warning can be conveyed without the use of a severed head.

Or maybe it needs to be there. So if it does, then let's spice it up and really make it noticeable. 

There, that's better. 

You see children, jumping on the trampoline can be fun and absolutely terrifying, all at the same time!

Hey, stay safe out there :)

Frackin' Friday

Ok, I am late posting today. At least late here. We have been blessed with the sun, and we just HAD to have a barbecue this afternoon. I am loving this spring weather in Southern Germany. I am crossing my fingers and knocking on wood that we have seen the last of the winter. 

Ok, you caught me, this was from the fall, but still, it was ALMOST this warm :)

So first off, the title of my post today. It might give away just how dorky I really am. For those of you who know what I am talking about, awesome, I am glad you have a great taste in epic television. If you don't know what I am talking about. Google "Frack". Snicker a bit. Then come on back. Maybe one day I will explain why it is one of the best shows ever. 

Anyways...

So really, what is today's post about? 

It's all about growing culturally. 

It's about being a person of the world. 

It's about learning how to cuss really good in German! Haha.

I thought every once in a while I would through in a Frackin' Friday. Teach you how to really express yourself while frustrated abroad. Or just something good to say around the kiddos so they won't understand what you are talking about.

**Disclaimer: Using these words are up to you. I am not responsible if you get punched in the face by a 6'5" German man. Pick your fights and your Deutsche Wörter wisely :) 

And if you want to check out what you already know in Germany, lookie here!

Here is one that I personally enjoy. And so do most of the fans at the hockey games. They love chanting it at the end of a win. Classy. But I love.

"Scheiße Verlierer"
(pronounced: Sch-eye-zah Ver-leer-er, but said all together) Thanks HM!!

It means "Shit Loser". Yep, go on, try NOT to use it. How perfectly does it sum up some of the people in your life?! 

 

See, this guy gets it! (source)

Well bloggyland, I hope you are having/had as great a Friday as I did. Enjoy it! And call out some Scheiße Verlierers while you are at it. :)

And, on a more serious note, my thoughts are with those in Japan or those that have family over there. I hope that they made it out of the earthquakes and tsunami safely. I can't even imagine...

Holy, Happy Weekend! Lots to do today, and so little time :) Last home game this evening for the regular season. Meeting a few of the girls for a drink or two before the game. Let's hope we actually make it to the rink before the 3rd period, haha. I am awful.

Fastnacht (Fasching, Karnival) started this week in Germany. Lots of fun stuff going on for that. Rosenmontag is on Monday, and we have our costumes ready to go. Excited to see a true German Fastnacht celebration! And for those of you who don't know a lot about Karnival in Germany, have a look here for some creepy, but interesting info :)

One quick funny thing to share with ya'll. I was driving home from one of my English classes last night (where I teach, not learn, duh) and jamming out to some cheesy German radio. I heard the DJ's introduce a 'new' song and I could tell right away that it was an Akon song. His songs are pretty distinctive. I was liking the beat, and it wasn't until I heard the word 'penis' that I knew it was not a real song. Lonely Island had fooled the Germans at the radio station, presumably because they didn't exactly understand every word of the song. So as I drove, I listened to them blare out "I Just Had Sex". Like WTF!? I was dying, it was hilarious.

It was the first time I heard the song (what? we pretty much live under a rock over here, haha) but I knew it had to be the work of Lonely Island. Love them!

So for your listening and viewing pleasure, I bring you "I Just Had Sex". Have a great weekend! After this, how could you not!?

 

Could you even imagine them playing this on the American radio stations?!

I Can't Help But Think...

Does anyone else see the resemblance?!

I'm not a political person, this isn't exactly a political statement. But I have been thinking this for a while and it needs to be said. I can't stop thinking about Animal, my favorite Muppet character, when I see Gaddafi (Gadhafi?! It said both spellings were right) on T.V.!

Don't they look alike??

I do know that things are out of control in Libya and I hope that justice and protection is brought to the innocent people in that country.

Well, have a great Hump Day! Hey, I kinda did a somewhat-wordless Wednesday post!!

(original photo sources: 1, 2)

A Knight's Tale

Friday night was a rare one. The guys usually have one day off  a week, and it is hardly ever, if never, on the weekend. But because of the odd number of teams in the league, the hubs had a spielfrei on Friday and we decided to take advantage of it.

To be able to 'go out' during hockey season is so weird. In this league anyway, the majority of the games are held on Friday and Sunday with a few Tuesdays scattered here and there. So when most people are planning what they will be doing on the weekends, we usually plan if we are going to do something late Sunday night or all day Monday. Events at bars, weekend concerts and the such are typically off limits because of the game schedule.

But, like I said, we had a rare Friday night off. And we couldn't just sit around and not do anything, right? That is where the Ritter Keller comes in. A medieval themed restaurant! How corny and cheesy and awesome does that all sound at once. 

I am no stranger to these medieval shows, we took a class trip my junior year of high school to Medieval Times in Dallas, TX. There they had a big horse show, jousting, knights and a king and queen. Let me tell you, those people were working hard for their minimum wage; they never broke character! And of course I was chosen at the end of the show as the "Queen of Love and Beauty" and got to go up on stage. So yes, I am familiar with how these shows work back home. 

No, not me, but how awkward and creepster is the picture?!

Source

So this Ritter Mahl, or Knights Meal, was really fun in its own way. They had a program in English, but since there were only 6 of us English speakers there that night out of about 100 people, it ended up being komplett auf Deutsch. I understood ok, but then again, we didn't really study too many Medieval terms in my German class. Go figure.

The Ritter Saal. Really pretty cool!

Don't get me wrong, it was a great time with the other North American couples. I don't think we could go anywhere and not have a good time (we are always the loudest in the restaurant, laughing it up. Typisch Amerikanisch). But there were some things that would only work in Germany. Not that they are bad or wrong, its just that if a restaurant did some of these things back in America, I would definitely expect some of the people involved in the 'jokes' to have their feelings hurt or might possibly even take legal action.

For instance. At one point in the meal, they made all the bald men stand up and singled them out with some German joke, which I did not understand. Only in Germany. 

The presenter of the whole meal, who really did an excellent job, then picked two people to taste the food to make sure it wasn't poisonous. He chose the biggest and fattest guy in the room, because he obviously knew a lot about food. Their words, not mine. Only in Germany. And then he choose the scrawniest guy at the dinner. They had to taste test several items, a Brussel Sprout being the last of the group. The presenter then bent the guys over, and with their bums sticking up and out in the air, he tested (read: 'smelled) for the "Breath of Death" - no joke, what it was called in our program - to see if they guys had been poisoned by the food. Only in Germany.

What is going on in the photo?!

There was a live fire breather/swallower. He choose to spit huge ball of fire right over our table. He was actually pretty good, but we are lucky to still have eyebrows...seriously. Only in Germany.

Check out that belly. Think he was eating more than just fire!

When walking into the Knights Hall, you were forced to wash your hands in a trough full of warm water and rose petals to cleanse your hands and soul. The hubs called it the E-Coli Bucket. Neat idea, but yuck. Only in Germany.

They also showed the women how to properly rub your man's belly when he was too full. They choose two complete strangers to display how it is supposed to be done. Which, I might add, looked pretty sensual. Only in Germany.

And to finish off the meal, you got Snus Snus shot up into your nose. Think I am kidding? Check out the picture below. Only in Germany. (Disclaimer - Snus is ground up tobacco made for snuffing, nothing worse!)

First, check out the snus flying. Then check out that awesome beard!

But nonetheless, the food was excellent! They even brought it out on a huge plate topped with a flaming firework. Again, probably only in Germany.

 But I will say the presentation was great!

And here is the after picture. We did some pretty good damage to our massive platter. 

So greasy and sooooo good

Our server was so funny, and the whole program was a really neat experience. And of course, the company couldn't have been better or more fun.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Everyone wore these funny little knight bibs because it was a pretty messy meal. The hubs choose to wear his in style. With no shirt underneath. Tucked in.

 

Never a dull moment with ya hon!

Sprechen Sie QWERTY?

So, with zour internet being the waz that it is, I am currenlz stuck in an internet cafe writing this entrz. But reallz it's ok, because I wanted to show zou a bit of the frustration I have trzing to use a German computer. No, those aren't errors, at least not on accident. Zou see, I am tzping just as I regularilz would....but the kezboard is different. The Z and Y have switched places, which makes it quite difficult to form even a basic English sentence (this last one being the exception...frick). I guess QWERTY is another uniquelz North American/English speaking thing.

 Hey Derek, Sprechen Sie QWERTY?!

Zou would think that at least thez would do us a favor and replace the 'T' and 'Z', as in 'Zhe Germans are coming!'

And while I am on it, good luck easilz capitaliying (oh Scheiße, now the Y is replacing the Z as well) and finding the @ kez - I have found it before and it still took me about 5 minutes to get it in there. This was something that prevented us from logging into our email and facebook at all while we were in Rome two zears ago. I guess the Italians don't speak QWERTY either. And in the last sentence alone I think I managed to accidentallz tzpe everz szmbol besides the intended apostrophe (Ä, #, etc). Geeez, I can't even spell mz name right! Although, Lindsez might sound more like a tzpical German name than the regular spelling anzwazs.

Screen shot of me at the Internet Cafe

Source

(enough with that mess!)

But I guess all things considered, the keyboard difference really isn't that big a deal. It's just a slight inconvenience when I'm slumming it at the internet cafe. And if our computer breaks down (knock on wood, no really, do it for me now), we will just have to import it from some place where QWERTY is spoken.

But there is something else that I realized when I was learning German that really blew my mind. I don't know if I am that dopey and everyone else was aware of it, or if it's something that will drop a whammy on us all.

Are you ready for this?! The animals here make different 'sounds'. Yep, you read that right, different sounds in different parts of the world. Well....I am referring to the sounds that humans make to imitate them. A dog doesn't bark, no one has heard of a pig oinking, and a frog and a duck make the same sound. Changed my whole perspective on sh*t!

Like, are you serious, a dog says "Wau Wau"?!?! Is he crying? I am confused

  

 The rooster says "Kikeriki", which makes it sound like it should be in some Indonesian rain forest. But, "Cock-a-doodle-do" is really no better. And the people in my German course really got a kick out of me sharing that one with the class.

A pig "Grunz", not "Oink". I think I can live with that one.

But seriously, I am not OK with a Frog "Quack"ing! He is not a duck!

Can you imagine how it would sound if we used it in English?

Old MacDonald had a farm,

Ee i ee i oh!

And on that farm he had some dogs,

Ee i ee i oh!

With a wau-wau here....

Nope just doesn't work.

Texas Culture Shock

If there is one thing that all hockey wives and girlfriends know all too well, it is boredom. Doesn't matter where your husband or boyfriend plays, there is a time in the season (or whole seasons at times) where boredom overcomes your whole being and you're sucked into its abyss head over heels. There is only one thing that makes a hockey year feel longer than complete and utter boredom; a losing season. Last year, we were oh-so-fortunate to have both.

Boredom in Germany can be sooo frustrating!

BUT this year, I was determined to fill my time. I found a great job teaching English at a local language school and I am loving every minute of it. Between the job, the winning season, this blog, and everything else that fills the day, I am almost feeling, dare I say it, busy!

I really do feel lucky to have started teaching English this year. Not only does this job have an excellent corporate structure, they give you the tools to be your own boss. Or wait, that is another company (anyone?!?). But seriously, everyday is fun and motivating; what more could you ask for in a part time job? I am teaching such a great group of adults who are going above and beyond to master the tricky English language. I am so grateful to my own German teacher, whom without her help I really couldn't be doing everything I am doing here in Germany. So, I can only hope that my students are learning at least half as much as I learned from her.

I have one lady in particular that I just started tutoring. She requested an American English language instructor because she is moving to America in July. I was lucky enough to get the class, seeing as I am the only American at the company. And wouldn't ya know it, she is moving to Texas! I think I am about 100 times more excited than she is about her moving to there. But hey, like I keep saying, if it isn't home, it just won't feel like home.

No matter how much I think the Lone Star State is the bees knees, it isn't where she comes from. And as much as I believe the people of Texas will welcome her with open arms, I can only imagine that she is in for a bit of a culture shock. Every lesson I try to add helpful tidbits about how Texas will be different than Germany.

Here are a few "Moving to Texas" tips I have come up with so far. I just feel like there are so many! And if you have any good ones, suggestions are more than welcomed!

Yep, pretty much sums up my Texas

1. If you order 'tea' at a restaurant, don't expect to get a nice hot, steaming cup of herbal tea. You are going to be brought an oversized mug, jammed full of ice and  freshly brewed iced tea. And if the restaurant really knows what they are doing, the tea will be so sweet that sugar crystals will float undissolved at the bottom of the cup. And on another note, if you want to keep your dignity, stay away from Texas Tea. That stuff will take you to another level!

2. Sundays in Germany are for rest and family time. No seriously, the whole country turns into a ghost town. Sundays in Texas are all about getting all that shit done that you were too lazy to have finished the rest of the week. I always get all my best errands done on the 7th day.

3. Every kind of soft drink is referred to as 'Coke'. When you are asked what kind of coke you want, they aren't asking if you want diet or regular, they want to know what kind of soda you would like. This one was hard to explain, a little confusing. Maybe that had something to do with the fact that I totally went overboard in explaining my love of a 'coke' that she had never heard of: Dr Pepper.

4. Bring a jacket with you everywhere. Not because the weather might turn chilly. No, no freakin' way of that happening outside of January and Feburary. But because everywhere has the A.C. cranked up as high as it will go. While you could fry an egg outside, your nips will be cutting glass inside.

5. Why is Texas, or America for that matter, the land of the plenty?? Two words: Free Refills

6. Contrary to popular belief, cowboy hats and chaps are not a required everyday outfit. But, we do tend to wear flip flops all year long.

7. Be careful when ordering a Pepperoni Pizza in Texas (or the US). In Germany, a Pepperoni Pizza is not topped with pepperoni or salami, but rather with spicy peppers. Its weird!

8. I know Target is not native to Texas, but I already told her how great it was. And if there is an H-E-B in her town, she better be doing her grocery shopping there.

9. I haven't even touched on crawfish, don't want to scare her too badly. But I might have to bring in a detailed outline of how to properly open and eat a crawdad, and also the importance of having 500 napkins at your disposal. (Ok Louisiana, I know this one was originally yours, but thanks for letting us Texans share in this delicious late spring treat!)

10. McDonald's, Burger King, or any other fast food joint don't even hold to the deliciousness of Whataburger (IMHO). It's just not a true Texas burger if it's not loaded with plain, old yellow mustard and diced onions.

11. German 'spicy' and Texas 'spicy' are two totally different worlds. When in doubt, order the mild.

Bonus: (I shouldn't even get into this one with anyone moving to Texas from a foreign country. But it is so true, I couldn't not share it) 
12. Most people choose a brand of Mexican salsa with the same care that another might use to select a bottle of fine wine. It is so true, I can't tell you the endless amounts of time I have spent in the salsa aisle trying to choose one independent brand over another. You just feel like such a failure when you get it wrong! lol

The Funny Things...

I hate to admit it, but I think Germany is turning into our 'home'. I guess I shouldn't say it like that. It comes across negative, but I don't mean it in a bad way really. We are really thankful to have the opportunity to play and live over here. There are significantly less games a season, you are given a car and apartment, most of the time you're treated as a human being and not a commodity, and of course the security that comes with the contracts is really comforting. No wild trades, or loans. The team you sign to play for is the team you get. Oh yeah, and I guess another advantage is that whole 'exploring Europe' thing :)

It is just that anyplace you live in that isn't your home, well, just will never completely feel like home. But that being said, the more time we spend over here, the more normal and homey it feels.

I think after making a foreign place your home, you tend to turn a blind eye to things that originally seemed strange and different. For example, when we go back home to North America for the summer, I tend to freak out the grocery store bag boy when I run to the end of the checkout stand to pack up my own groceries. It has become second nature, it is something that you always do yourself over here. And quickly, I might add. You are likely to get your groceries run over by the items from the person behind you. It is somewhat nerve racking when the store is busy and it is your turn to bag up the groceries. I always get nervous coming up to the end of a checkout line. Feel like I need to do some stretches, lunges, warm up somehow!

Outcha way, bagger boy. I got this!

CC of deb roby on flickr

I had forgotten how funny some of the signs in German can be. Of course there is the aforementioned "Ausfahrt" for exit. Doesn't take a genius to see how those of us with a 3rd Grade sense of humor think that one is funny.

But when my parents came to visit, they brought fresh eyes, and also a sick sense of humor. I was able to see things in a whole new, and completely inappropriate light.

First, there is "Sparkasse", one of the biggest savings bank in Germany. Again, doesn't take much to see why this one is funny. I could make some crude, although hilarious, references to what this term could refer to in English...but I will just steer clear. 

Talk about lighting a fire under your butt!

Another one we found humorous is a sign often found in book stores. It is "Preishits", which literally means "Price Hits" and is used to advertise the best or newly discounted prices in a store. I thought it would be more appropriate if was an adjective, a word describing the feeling you have before you eat Mexican food. I'm awful.

 

CC Image courtesy of wetbild.de

But the best of the best we have seen so far. And if you have a higher intellect sense of humor, you might just want to stop right here. Still here? Good. Now giggle again at 'Ausfahrt' haha, Ok, we can move on. My husband had a bit of a cough the other day, and he was annoying the heck out of me at night I wanted to get him something that would soothe his scratchy throat. 

Perfect for kids or scratchy throat hockey players

We are never sure what players are allowed to take medicine wise, and since many of the cough medicines contain Codine - over the counter Codine - I thought that a children's herbal cough syrup would not only be delicious (oh yeah right, yum) but also be enough to do the trick. Little did I know I was setting my husband up.

Sorry hon, I didn't mean to feed you it, but I know your throat feels much better now, haha!

Yes, I know it means Thick Extract...but still funny :)