The United States of Processed Food

If there is anything that we have learned over here, it is that grocery shopping in Germany is never a dull errand to run. There is competitive parking, the OCD need to always have a euro handy for the shopping carts, the narrow aisles, the constant cart bumping and NO ONE saying "Excuse Me", the race to the check out lines and finally the excitement and sheer terror of packing up all your groceries as fast as the cashier can throw them at you. And that is a typical Wednesday mid-morning trip. Don't even get me started on the Saturday afternoon crowd. 

Oh Kaufland, with your craziness, how can I not feel at home?!

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We are lucky, though. Most German grocery stores, and certainly the larger chains, carry quite a bit of American food. Wish there were more coupons available; prices can be steep. Most of the time it doesn't even feel like you are shopping in another country, that is, until you stumble across the whole pig, vacuum-packed, laying out for the taking in the meat section. Don't see too many of those at your local Super Wal-Mart, do ya!

Groceries in Germany are very affordable, often being cheaper than the groceries in Texas, even with the currency conversion. And from our short time here, we have discovered some really great German products and brand. They're Items that we actually miss when we are back at home in the states.

Although, before we lived overseas, I had NO idea how profitable just the mere idea of something being "American" could make any given item. Companies try as they may to pass their products off as authentic 'made in the USA' goods, but sadly just miss the mark.

Just a small collection of all the "American" items

And unauthentic as they may be, their packaging stands out like a sore thumb in the grocery stores. So here are just a few of the many, many red, white and blue, stars and stripes, Statue of Liberty decorated German products. And yes, we buy most of these on a regular basis, haha. Suckers.

The Doritos "Cool Ranch" flavor is called "Cool American" here. Glad they could reaffirm something we are already well aware of :)

Even cooler than Chester Cheeto

Oh Cheese Zip. I have a feeling you could be inserted into my veins and clog my arteries in the same fashion as you do when I eat you. What can they possibly think of us when we serve up "Real Chedder Cheese" (MY ass!) in a can?!?

I love that it gives you instructions of how to de-clog the nozzle. Sick.

I was really excited about the Knorr's seasoning packet for Mac & Cheese, embellished with an American flag just to remind you of its authenticity. It was awful, and a disgrace to the Kraft orangey goodness.

Just stop trying

This peanut butter is a little less American-ly decorated than the other. I couldn't find the really patriotic canisters my last grocery run. But most canisters have the American flag drawn all over them. And I think I solely keep the German peanut butter importers in business. This is something those Deutschers just don't embrace.

I could eat a can a day, easy

These are actually made in the U.S., but I am led to believe that a foreigner came up with the name. All I can think of when I see the bags in stores are Rocky Mountain Oysters. What a lovely image to have in my head.

Confused about Rocky Mountain Oysters?? Look it up.

Ok, Mondamin, you guys didn't even try to draw a real American flag. Three stars and four stripes?? That is just lazy. But I do like you pancakes, and without Bisquick, I guess you and your ghetto flag will have to do.

Did you think there was a hyphen in the word, or did you run out of room?

American Style Pizza. Can it get any more patriotic?!? I think it might even play "The Star Spangled Banner" when you open the box. And no, I didn't purchase this one. I will just gnaw on some greasy cardboard and probably have the same experience. 

Who eats Cheese and Onion pizza anyways?!?

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And last, but certainly not least, American Toast. I knew that is why our forefathers risked their lives for the unity of a nation. It was all to have processed, fatty cheese in the name of liberty, freedom and the justice for all. 

You should be ashamed.

Oh, and the absolute best part about this cheese. In the bottom right hand corner of the picture, although the light blurs the writing, it clearly says "Qualität aus Österreich" - "Quality from Austria". I am embarrassed for them.

I am not complaining about the availability of "American" products, just merely observing and reporting. I am glad they are there for my enjoyment and for a laugh or two.

But really, who am I kidding. We are Americans (the hubs practically one) and junk food is a huge part of our diet and culture. So maybe Germany isn't too far off with these items. After all, the American section at Real consists of off brand Macaroni and Cheese, Cheese Wiz, Crisco and Marshmallows. Yep, sounds like home to me!